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Jun 4, 2017

Breaking Not News: Nintendo To Release The 4DS!

We've just received breaking not news in the world of entertainment; Nintendo is developing the 4DS, the official successor to the increasingly popular Nintendo 3DS handheld console. According to our potentially real source, the company hopes to release it as early as the 2017 holiday season!

So what will differentiate the 4DS console from its 3DS predecessor, you ask?

We weren't sure, either. Since Nintendo doesn't field calls from not actual news outlets, we just asked some random people out on the street.

"The 4DS is maybe officially adding the fourth dimension, time," says Bill Williams, random street-walker and completely credible 3DS-owner. "It will have an actual analog clock, officially set to the Cesium Fountain Atomic Clock in Fort Collins, Colorado!"

We talked to at least 20 more strangers on the street until we finally found someone else willing to authentically validate this theory.

"Think about it. Right now when you check the time, you have to pull out your phone or 3DS and hit the home-screen button, just to find out what time it is," says William Bills, father of three and analog clock-enthusiast. "With the clock right on the outside of the case, you'll be able to check the time at any time! It'll be almost as convenient as having a clock strapped right on your wrist!"

Further investigation revealed that Nintendo may already be planning two additional versions of the 4DS, a project under the codenames 2/4thsDS and 3/4thsDS. Because telling time makes some people nauseated and analog clock hardware is extremely expensive, these will be cheaper, less-nauseous alternatives for Nintendo fans.

We suspect that the 2/4thsDS will be a 4DS with neither a clock nor 3D capabilities, while the 3/4thsDS will simply lack the clock... so... I guess they'll be a lot like the 2DS and 3DS. And of course, there will also be XL variants of all three consoles.

There is no indication, at this point, that Nintendo has plans for a digital-clock version of this hardware. However, we Nintendo fanatics can only hope that the digital clock version of the 4DS - a.k.a. the New 4DS - is just around the corner with its own exciting new software that won't function on any other DS, and maybe even to get rid of that pesky backwards compatibility.